


Discards: Valentine's Day

by picascribit



Series: Discards Verse [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Angst, No penetration, Oral Sex, Romance, Safer Sex, Sex Toys, Trans Male Character, Trans!Sirius, Valentine's Day, sex worker!Remus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:28:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22863298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picascribit/pseuds/picascribit
Summary: Remus forgets Valentine's Day. Sirius wants to make it special.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Discards Verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/761535
Comments: 23
Kudos: 345
Collections: Hold Your Fire No Canon Required, Queer Characters Collection, Trans Stories, stories of our own: works featuring nonbinary and trans characters





	Discards: Valentine's Day

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning:** Some content may be triggering for people with body dysphoria. The way Sirius thinks and feels about his body is not universal to all trans men or trans masculine people. There are a wide range of feelings transgender people have about their bodies, their genitals, and the words they are comfortable using to talk about them, all of which are equally valid. I apologize if the terminology used in this fic makes you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, there was no universally accepted terminology I could come up with that was likely to work for everyone, so I had to make a choice regarding how Sirius thinks and feels about his own body.

Contentment was a relatively new sensation for Remus Lupin. This was not the first morning he had awoken with a sense of wellbeing; such occasions had become frequent in recent weeks, since he had started spending nights in his boyfriend's bed.

 _Boyfriend_. That word, too, still felt new. Remus found that he liked it. It was connected with the secure feeling of the arm draped across his middle, the fingers curled around his wrist, the breath tickling the back of his neck. Remus gently disentangled himself and turned over, so that he could experience the pleasure of watching Sirius Black wake up.

Long lashes fluttered. Gray eyes opened. A sleepy grin spread across a wide mouth that invited kissing.

"Hello, gorgeous," murmured a husky voice.

"Look who's talking," smiled Remus, bending to give Sirius a thorough good morning kiss.

He did not spend every night at the apartment his boyfriend shared with his friends James and Peter. Remus had no desire to impose, nor to grow dependent on their generosity. But at least a few nights every week, he shunned his own cramped, cold room and lumpy mattress for the joys of a warm bed and the arms of an affectionate man who always seemed glad to see him.

Sirius's hand slid under Remus's teeshirt to splay across the bare skin of his back - a light, teasing touch to match the gentle nibble on Remus's lower lip. Remus kept his hands chastely on top of Sirius's clothes, and angled his hips away so as not to trouble his boyfriend with his morning arousal. Sirius was still skittish about sex, and Remus had no desire to make him feel uncomfortable, or pressured in any way. He was happy with their relationship as it was, content to wait until Sirius felt ready for that kind of intimacy.

"Wish I didn't have to go to work," Sirius mumbled against Remus's mouth. "Rather stay in bed with you all day."

"Mm, same," sighed Remus, "but I have an essay due next week, and I really need to work on it."

"Will you be doing any of this work at the library, perhaps?" Sirius asked, fluttering his eyelashes absurdly.

"When I say 'work', I don't mean 'get distracted by my sexy assistant librarian boyfriend'," said Remus. "I already have all the books I need, so I was planning to work from home today."

Sirius pretended to pout. "Guess I'll see you for dinner, then."

"Did we make plans?" asked Remus, confused.

"Sorry; I just assumed, since it's Valentine's Day."

Remus blinked at him. "It is?"

"February fourteenth, same as every year," said Sirius with a lopsided grin. "Should I have submitted a formal, written request for you to be my Valentine?"

"Um, maybe." Remus sat up, flustered. "I'm sorry, Sirius; it completely slipped my mind."

Sirius's smile faded. "Are you saying you can't even do dinner tonight?"

"I have to work," Remus said apologetically. "Maybe if we grab a quick, early dinner? I could meet you at the library at the end of your shift."

"Yeah, OK, whatever," said Sirius flatly. He turned away and picked up his phone, fiddling with it.

Remus regarded his hunched shoulders, trying not to feel guilty. He always worked on Valentine's Day - when he remembered its existence. There were plenty of lonely men willing to pay good money for a warm body and a little company on such nights. The two dates Remus had made for tonight were scheduled well in advance, and he needed regular income if he wanted to complete his education and keep a roof over his head. Apart from a little awkwardness now and then, Sirius had so far been understanding about the sex work Remus did, but Remus could tell from the abrupt chill in the air that the thought of him spending tonight, of all nights, with someone else bothered Sirius.

"I'm really sorry, Sirius," he said softly.

"Don't worry about it." Sirius did not look up from his phone. "It's not a big deal. I was just being silly."

"No, you weren't," sighed Remus. He touched Sirius lightly on the shoulder. "I'll see you this evening."

* * *

Remus tried to focus on his reading, but thoughts of Sirius kept tugging at the edges of his concentration. This was what he had been worried about, and why he had resisted becoming involved with Sirius again after their first hesitant attempt at romance had blown up two months before. It had seemed inevitable that Remus's inability to prioritize his time with Sirius would lead to disappointment and resentment that would ultimately poison their nascent relationship. Now it seemed like this day, which had begun so well, was destined to end in heartbreak.

A chilly rain began to fall as Remus made his way to the Seattle Central Library to meet Sirius that evening. The tops of the city's tallest buildings were lost in fog. The cold, gray heaviness of the sky echoed Remus's mood and dragged at his insides. Sirius met him in the lobby, his greeting no warmer than the weather.

"Hey."

"Hey," replied Remus. "How was work?"

Sirius shrugged. "Fine. We should get going, if you're in a hurry."

"Not that much of a hurry. I was thinking maybe we could go to that sushi place you like on Marion Street."

"Sure."

Sirius turned toward the door, and Remus followed him. They walked the four blocks to the restaurant in silence, hands shoved in their pockets, heads bent against the rain.

Only after they had ordered did Remus say quietly, "You should break up with me."

Sirius's head jerked up. He stared at Remus. "What? Why? Because I was a little annoyed that you forgot about Valentine's Day? It's not _that_ big a deal."

"Maybe not on its own," said Remus glumly, "but this won't be the last time I disappoint you. This was what I meant when I told you I can't be a good boyfriend. I can't help it, with everything I've got on my plate right now. You should be with someone who can afford to make you a priority."

"I'm not dumping you, Remus," Sirius scowled. "I wouldn't - are _you_ dumping _me_?"

"No! I just - I can't do this if you're just going to end up resenting me." His eyes fixed on the chopsticks in their paper sleeve in front of him, unable to meet Sirius's gaze. "I couldn't bear it," he added softly.

"Remus -" a well-manicured hand slid across the table to rest on top of his own. "It's really not a big deal. I know Valentine's Day isn't a real holiday; it's only an excuse to sell flowers and chocolate and fancy underwear. I was just excited about finally having someone to spend it with."

"I've never had anyone to celebrate with before, either," admitted Remus. "I kind of forgot it was even a thing."

"I noticed," said Sirius, voice carrying a hint of his usual humor.

"I got you something. To say sorry."

Remus pushed a small paper shopping bag toward Sirius.

"Well, now I _really_ feel like an asshole," said Sirius. "You didn't have to get me anything."

Remus shrugged. "I know. I wanted to."

The leg warmers were striped in transgender pride colors: pink, white, and pale blue. Sirius stared at them, biting his lip as he rubbed the knitted material between his fingers in silence.

"To go with your beanie," said Remus. "It's not fancy underwear, but I thought you'd like them."

Sirius cleared his throat. "I love them," he said hoarsely. "Thank you, Remus."

Their food arrived then, interrupting the moment, but they talked more easily after that about the trivialities of their day, and by the end of the meal, Sirius held Remus's hand under the table.

After dinner, he walked Sirius home, still hand in hand, and lingered on the doorstep, not yet ready to say goodnight.

"I'm really sorry about tonight," Remus said again, voice muffled in Sirius's shoulder. "I wish I could promise that it won't happen again."

"I'm sorry, too," said Sirius. "I never meant to make you feel bad about doing what you need to do."

"Thanks. Are you sure you still want to do this?"

Sirius's arms tightened around him. "Very sure."

"I'm glad," Remus confessed. "I've been - happy, these last few weeks with you. Maybe happier than I've ever been. I really wish I could be the person you deserve -"

"Stop that," said Sirius. "You're wonderful. It's just a pity you got saddled with a boyfriend who's a needy jerk."

A smile tugged at Remus's mouth. "There's nothing wrong with having needs."

"Speaking of being needy, will I see you later tonight?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," said Remus. "It depends on where I am, and how late it is. I don't want to wake you."

Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus's, lacing their fingers together. "You know I don't mind. Text me at least, to let me know you're safe?"

"Of course."

"That's all I ask." He brought Remus's hands to his lips and kissed each set of cold knuckles.

* * *

Remus took out his phone as he walked back to the small room he rented. Rain speckled the screen as he texted his best friend, Lily Evans.

> _I completely forgot today was valentines day.  
>  _ _S says its ok but I know he's disappointed._
> 
> _oops!  
>  _ _im sure he'll forgive you_
> 
> _I know but i still feel bad.  
>  _ _I almost thought about breaking up with him  
>  _ _he deserves better._
> 
> _dont you fucking dare!  
>  _ _you deserve good things too  
>  _ _including a boyfriend who loves you even when you're a forgetful fuckup_
> 
> _thanks lils  
>  _ _I knew i could count on you to cheer me up._
> 
> _what are friends for?  
>  _ _plans tonight?_
> 
> _working  
>  _ _you?_
> 
> _dinner, movie, sex_
> 
> _sounds like a good time  
>  _ _I promise i wont tell J_
> 
> _lol should i have invited him?_
> 
> _only if you're planning to use his bed for the sex_
> 
> _hmm good point  
>  _ _i'll text him_
> 
> _have fun_
> 
> _oh we will  
>  _ _you're not a bad person, Remus  
>  _ _you'll have other chances to show S he matters to you_
> 
> _I hope so_
> 
> _he knows how things are  
>  _ _you dont have to prioritize him all the time as long as you do when it matters  
>  _ _i love you_
> 
> _love u 2 lils  
>  _ _night_

Remus put his phone back in his pocket, trudged on a few paces through the rain, then halted.

"Fuck it," he muttered, and took his phone out again.

* * *

Sirius lay on his bed, already in his pajamas, listening to the rain pound on the roof, and trying to decide between video games and a book to distract himself from the fact that he was spending Valentine's Day alone, when the doorbell rang. If either of his roommates had been home, Sirius would have stayed where he was and let them answer the door, but both were spending the holiday out with their respective girlfriends. With a sigh, Sirius got up and dragged his feet to the door.

Remus stood on the doorstep, soaking wet, a sheepish expression on his face.

"What -"

"Sorry for being a dickhead before," said Remus. "Of course I want to spend Valentine's Day with you. That is, if you still want to."

Sirius's face lit up. He threw his arms around Remus, dragging him into the hallway, hardly noticing the damp that immediately soaked through his teeshirt. "Of course I do! What happened to work?"

"I rescheduled," said Remus with an awkward smile. "Something more important came up."

Sirius hugged him tightly. "You didn't have to do that."

"I can work any night," said Remus. "But not this one. This one should be yours."

"No," said Sirius, feeling giddy with joy. "It should be _ours_."

"Ours, then," Remus chuckled. "Just so you know, I'm dripping on the floor."

"Oh!" said Sirius, realizing his own increasingly soggy state. "You must be freezing. C'mon, I'll find you some dry clothes."

By the time Remus came back from the bathroom wearing a borrowed teeshirt and flannel pajama bottoms, Sirius had changed into dry pajamas of his own. He grinned and pulled Remus down onto the bed beside him, kissing him soundly.

"I'm glad you came back."

"Me too," said Remus, "but don't expect this to happen very often."

"I know." Sirius nuzzled his neck. "Tonight is special."

"Exactly. Are there any other special nights I should keep in mind, for future reference?"

"Every night is special when you're here."

"You know what I mean," said Remus, sitting up. "If there are specific days you want me to prioritize spending time with you, I can do that. Just tell me, and I'll put them in my calendar right now." He gestured at his phone.

"Well, there's my birthday," said Sirius, considering. "And yours, of course. Valentine's Day. And New Year's."

Remus gave him a curious look. "New Year's?"

Sirius blushed. "Well, it's kind of our anniversary, isn't it? I mean, it will be, if ..."

New Year's was only six weeks past. Sirius knew he had no business planning that far ahead with Remus, but even so, he could not help hoping.

"All right, New Year's," said Remus, hiding a smile as he added the date to his calendar. "Any others?"

Sirius kissed him on the forehead. "That's good for now. I'll let you know if I think of any others."

"So what did you want to do tonight, before your useless boyfriend went and ruined everything?" asked Remus, setting aside his phone.

"I thought maybe we could watch a movie," suggested Sirius.

Remus laughed. "I might even stay awake all the way through this time."

"I don't begrudge you your sleep," said Sirius, "but it's nice to finally get a night with you when you're not completely exhausted."

"Agreed. What shall we watch?"

"Mmm, something romantic," sighed Sirius, nuzzling Remus's neck.

" _The Winter Soldier_ again?" chuckled Remus.

"Hey, can I help it if Marvel accidentally went and made one of the best queer love stories of all time?"

As Remus laughed, Sirius clicked on the TV and quickly found the movie among his favorites. He left the volume low, and tossed the remote onto the nightstand, turning back toward Remus and gathering him close for a kiss which made clear exactly how glad Sirius was that Remus had chosen to be here with him tonight.

"So, watching the movie isn't actually part of the plan, is it?" murmured Remus several moments later.

"Not really. Unless you want to. I'm pretty sure you've seen this one all the way through to the end."

"So I have," said Remus, capturing Sirius's lips again and running a hand down his back.

Sirius shivered with happiness, lips parting eagerly as the tip of Remus's tongue flicked at them. He loved the rare moments when Remus had the time and the energy to be playful and passionate with him. Being both known and desired was still a novel experience for Sirius. He wanted to drown himself in the feeling, and to bring Remus with him.

His hand slid under Remus's teeshirt in a suggestive caress.

"Is there ... anything else you feel like doing tonight?" He aimed for sultry, but the words came out unnaturally high and fast.

Remus stilled. "We don't have to do anything, just because it's Valentine's Day. I'm not expecting -"

"I know," said Sirius. "But maybe I want to."

"Only maybe?"

"All right, I do." Sirius bit his lip, wishing he had remembered to take his anti-anxiety meds tonight. "I just - all these thoughts keep coming up and getting in the way."

Remus sat up and reached for the remote, muting the TV. "Talk to me."

Sirius sat up too, hugging his knees. He took a deep breath, and said in a rush, "I worry that you'll see me differently, after, or that it will go wrong somehow and spoil everything, like that time with James I when had a panic attack, or that maybe you don't really want to, because it's like work for you, or because -"

"Slow down, Sirius." Remus pried open one of his hands and folded it around his own. "I get it. I know you've had bad experiences before. That's why I haven't brought it up, or made a move. I didn't want you to feel pressured. I'm sorry if I made it seem like I wasn't interested. I assure you that I am."

"Oh. Well ... good," said Sirius, feeling more than a little embarrassed about his outburst. "Thanks for being patient with me. I know sex isn't a big deal for you, but it's kind of a big deal for me."

"Sex with you is a _very_ big deal to me, Sirius," said Remus softly, cradling their joined hands to his chest. "And sex doesn't have to mean penetration, if you don't feel ready for that, or it's something that freaks you out. I promise you, whatever we do, whether it's tonight, or sometime in the future, I will do everything in my power to make it a good experience for you."

"Thanks," mumbled Sirius, turning red.

"As for the rest of it," Remus continued, "I'm not one of those gay guys who thinks vaginas are gross, or that having one makes you any less of a man. Bodies are just bodies; they don't make us who we are. Who you are is Sirius Black, my hot boyfriend whom I _definitely_ want to have sex with. If that's what you want." He raised Sirius's fingers to his lips and kissed them.

Sirius bit back a smile. "I like it when you call me that."

Remus laughed. "The 'hot' part or the 'boyfriend' part?"

"Both."

"Come here."

He tugged at Sirius's hand, drawing him back into his embrace, and Sirius went willingly, because there was no greater joy in his life than being close to Remus.

"You're always safe with me," murmured Remus, lips tickling the sensitive spot just below Sirius's ear. "You know that, right?"

Sirius shivered. "I know."

"Do you want to try having sex tonight?"

"Yes," whispered Sirius, heart in his throat. "If you want to."

"You can be the judge of that," said Remus, shifting so that his erection rubbed against Sirius's hip.

"Hmm, that is some pretty compelling evidence, but I'm not sure it counts as explicit consent."

Remus gave a breath of a laugh. "Oh, I consent. Just tell me what you want me to do. We can try anything you want."

Sirius buried his face in Remus's neck. "I don't know."

"Hmm. What if I took my clothes off? Would that be OK?"

"Yeah."

While Remus undressed, Sirius stripped down as far as he felt comfortable. He left on the old sports bra that he wore; Remus already knew he was not comfortable having his chest touched or exposed. Sirius hesitated over his boxer briefs, but finally pulled the sheet up to his waist and removed them under its modest cover. He had not allowed anyone to touch him between his legs since high school, and he had not quite worked up the nerve to let Remus do it yet.

Remus clearly felt no such self-consciousness. He stretched out on the bed facing Sirius, a hand resting lightly on his cock, which stood up stiffly from a patch of neatly-trimmed pubic hair, foreskin drawn back to leave the head exposed.

Sirius licked his lips nervously, heart beating faster. "Look at you."

"I'd much rather look at you," said Remus, giving him an appreciative look in demonstration. "Dunno what you see in a short, skinny twink like me."

"Stop that," said Sirius. "You're wonderful. If you weren't, I wouldn't want to do this with you."

Remus's expression softened. "Come here, sexy boy." He wrapped an arm around Sirius's waist, pulling him close for a kiss.

Electricity shivered through Sirius everywhere their skins touched. Heat rushed through his body. He wanted to touch Remus everywhere - had wanted to for weeks - and now, with Remus lying naked in his bed, the idea of keeping his hands to himself was unthinkable. Sirius's palms moved over Remus's skin, finding all the shapes of him, fingers caressing, thumbs stroking, seeking every soft, sensitive place. One hand slipped between them, wrapping around the firm, exciting shape of Remus's cock. A soft groan escaped Remus's lips as he pressed it into Sirius's palm.

"D'you want me to suck it?" murmured Sirius, mesmerized by dark eyes, flushed cheeks, softly parted lips.

"No."

"No?"

"Not right now." Remus gently pushed his hand away. "I'd rather focus on you."

"I want you to have a good time, too."

"Oh, believe me, I am," said Remus, nuzzling the edge of his jaw. "But I can wait. How about you touch yourself for a bit? It might be a good way to start, if you're feeling anxious."

"Oh! Um ..."

The idea of masturbating in front of Remus sent another thrill of excitement coursing through him. Hesitantly, Sirius slipped his hand under the sheet that swathed his hips. It was silly to feel self-conscious about it; he was the one who had propositioned Remus for sex, after all - Remus, who had been the focus of his thoughts every time he had touched himself for the past several weeks.

He was already wet. Being close to Remus, kissing and touching him, usually had that effect on Sirius. His clit was stiff and swollen with desire, enlarged by hormone therapy. As he stroked it between his fingers and tugged at it gently, a sigh of pleasure escaped his throat and his body began to relax.

"Mmm, yes ... that's it," Remus murmured, breath tickling Sirius's ear. His fingertips ghosted over the sensitive skin of Sirius's thighs and belly, sending little darts of excitement to his groin. "Do whatever you normally do to make yourself feel good. I want to see you."

"I ... uh ... usually use a vibrator," Sirius said shyly.

Remus looked amused and intrigued. "Can I see it?"

Blushing, Sirius rolled over and reached into the drawer of the nightstand for the smaller of the two vibrators he owned, and handed it to Remus. It was as smooth and rounded as a river stone, and fit neatly into his palm, with a blunted point at one end.

Remus turned it over, studying it, then pressed the two flat buttons at the base experimentally until the toy began to emit a soft hum. He passed it back to Sirius.

"Show me?"

Feeling more self-conscious than ever, Sirius guided the vibrator under the sheet, closing his eyes.

Gentle fingers touched his cheek. "Hey."

Sirius opened his eyes to find Remus watching him with a look of tenderness.

"This is something we're supposed to be doing together, remember?" Remus murmured. "I want to know what you're feeling. That you're enjoying this. Because if you're not, we can stop right now."

"I can want to do something and be nervous about it at the same time," Sirius pointed out.

"I get that," said Remus. "I'm not in a hurry, Sirius. We can do as much or as little tonight as you feel comfortable doing. I'm happy just being here with you."

"I like being with you, too," whispered Sirius.

He tilted his head and kissed Remus, long, slow, and careful, to show him just how much he liked being with him.

"I like kissing you," he continued a long moment later, lightly rubbing his lips over Remus's jaw. "I like touching you. I like you touching me. I like having you here in my bed. I like thinking of you when you're not here, and touching myself."

"Is that so?" murmured Remus.

Sirius took him by the hand, folding the vibrator into his grasp, adjusting his hold on the toy.

"Like this," he said softly, guiding Remus's hand under the sheet.

Hardly daring to breathe, Sirius directed the buzzing tip of the vibrator over the sensitive skin of his thighs, making himself shiver with delight. The pleasant sensation relaxed his joints, so that his legs parted of their own volition, as he teased himself with the tantalizing prospect of Remus's touch in his most secret, intimate places.

At last, desire overwhelmed his anxiety, and he could bear it no longer. Easing the vibe between his swollen folds, he guided it along his slit, letting Remus feel the damp radiant heat and, through the toy's movements, the slipperiness of his desire.

Remus drew an audible breath, but made no attempt to take control, instead allowing himself to be guided by Sirius's lust. It was Sirius who showed Remus the way to his clit, moving the toy in small, teasing circles as the tension and excitement mounted within him; Sirius who adjusted the angle, the pressure, the speed, to send powerful, shattering vibrations deep into his pleasure center.

He swallowed a whimper of need as the hot, slippery hunger drew within a hair's breadth of claiming him. Bringing the vibe to its highest pulsing setting with practiced fingers, Sirius gripped Remus's hand tightly, showing him how much pressure he wanted. Every muscle in his body tensed as he teetered on the brink.

"God, Sirius," Remus panted. His skin felt feverish where it touched Sirius's. "I wanna see you come. I wanna hear you ..."

A ragged, needy sound fell from Sirius's lips. He could feel the light touch of Remus's fingertips brushing his slick, sensitive flesh around the edges of the toy, but he was far beyond any sense of shyness now. He craved that touch. He _hungered_ for it.

" _Oh - oh - oh fuck!_ " Sirius gasped, hips arching off the bed, shuddering as wave after wave of wild, intense pleasure overwhelmed him. He gripped Remus's hand tightly, pressing it hard between his legs, riding the waves as he peaked again and again.

When the tide of his climax ebbed, Sirius lay boneless and gasping, face buried in the crook of Remus's neck, Remus's arms around him. The vibrator buzzed on the bed, inches from Sirius's limp fingers.

"Wow," breathed Remus. "Was that as much fun as it sounded?"

"Um ..." Sirius hunched his shoulders, self-consciousness stealing back over him.

Remus drew back, studying his face with an expression of concern. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," mumbled Sirius, lowering his eyes as he fiddled with the vibrator, powering it down and switching it off. "I just ... I've never done that in front of someone else before."

Remus stared at him. "You've never had an orgasm with a partner?"

Sirius shook his head.

"Oh. Well in that case, I'm honored."

A huff of laughter escaped Sirius's lips. "Yeah, well, I'm embarrassed."

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about," said Remus. "You looked very sexy. In fact -" he plucked the vibrator from Sirius's unresisting hand and switched it on again, teasing it slowly up Sirius's thigh "- if you wanted to go again ..."

Sirius shivered. "Isn't it your turn now?"

"Is it?" said Remus easily. "I can wait. It can be your turn all night. As many times as you want. It sounds like you have some lost time to make up for."

"You said to tell you what I want to do," Sirius deflected. "What if I want to do _you_?"

"I did say that, didn't I?"

Sirius hid a smile. "You did. Unless you'd like to withdraw consent?"

"Let's not be hasty," Remus chuckled. "What did you have in mind?"

Sirius ran the tip of his tongue over Remus's collarbone. "I believe there was some discussion about sucking your cock."

"Mm, so there was."

"How do you feel about vibrators?" Sirius asked, deftly snagging the toy back from Remus.

"Can't say I've had much experience with them. I like what I've seen so far." Remus smiled and shrugged. "I'm certainly not opposed to experimentation."

Sirius grinned. "Good to know."

Leaning up on an elbow, Sirius ran the tip of the buzzing toy slowly from the center of Remus's chest down to his navel. When it touched his belly, Remus gave a shivery laugh.

"That tickles."

"Oh, it does more than tickle," Sirius assured him.

Rapt gaze fixed on Remus's face, he pressed the tip of the vibrator to the base of Remus's cock, then slowly dragged it up the shaft to tease the head. Remus made a choked sound, fingers clenching convulsively around handfuls of bedspread.

Sirius bent down, lips brushing the fluttering pulse in Remus's throat. "Do you like that?"

Remus nodded, breathless.

"Good," whispered Sirius. "You deserve to be properly taken care of."

He moved down Remus's body, breathing in the scent of him, flicking his tongue out to taste salty skin, before settling himself between Remus's splayed legs.

"Just a sec," mumbled Remus. "We ought to use protection. I have condoms in my jacket -"

He made a move to get up, but Sirius put a hand on his abdomen, stopping him.

"I have some here," he said, reaching into the nightstand drawer again.

Remus's eyebrows shot up. "You do?"

"What?" grinned Sirius. "You think I just decided spur-of-the-moment that I wanted to have sex tonight? That I haven't been thinking about it for weeks?"

An answering smile tugged at Remus's lips. "I might've been thinking about it for a while, too."

"Well, then." Sirius held out a foil-wrapped packet. "Show me how to put one of these on? I've never done it before, and Sex Ed was a long time ago."

He watched with interest as Remus demonstrated how to open the packaging without tearing the condom, and how to hold the tip while rolling it into place.

"I did promise you would be safe with me," said Remus. "We should see about getting you on PrEP, too, if we're going to be doing stuff like this. Condoms are fine for tonight, though."

Sirius nodded. "I'll visit the clinic on my next day off," he promised.

He had researched exposure risks after learning that Remus was HIV positive months before. Sirius knew that, with the medication Remus scrupulously took, his own risk of exposure was negligible, but for the sake of both their peace of mind, it was best to use all the options available to minimize the risk of transmission.

Sirius eyed Remus's cock, inches from his face. It had been over a year since he last gave head, and he had never tried it with a condom before. He recalled disliking swallowing spunk, but he did not think he would have minded so much with Remus as with his ex, who had mostly used Sirius for one-sided sexual gratification.

A hand squeezed his shoulder.

"You don't have to, if you're not into it," said Remus gently. "I know giving head isn't everyone's favorite thing. We can do something else instead. I'm easy."

Sirius tightened his jaw in resolve. "No. I want to."

Bending his head, he ran the tip of his tongue experimentally up the underside of Remus's cock. The latex felt strange, and the taste of the spermicidal lubricant was faintly clinical, but the sound Remus made as his fingers tightened on Sirius's shoulder was extremely gratifying. Determined to remember how to do this, and do it well, Sirius eased his lips over the blunt head and gave it a gentle suck, pressing the buzzing vibrator against the base.

Remus let out a hissing breath between his teeth, thigh muscles quivering with the effort not to move. Sirius grinned around his mouthful, sliding his lips farther down and flicking his tongue against the sensitive underside of the head as he wrapped a hand around the pleasant thickness of the shaft. Glancing up through the fall of his dark hair, he found Remus watching him intently, mouth slightly open, chest rising and falling with quick, shallow breaths.

All of Sirius's anxiety had left him. Now that the focus had shifted away from his own body, there was only the fierce joy of being able to give Remus the pleasure and attention he deserved. Sirius bobbed his head, rocking the vibe with his thumb as Remus moaned.

"Sirius -" Remus panted, fingers brushing against the hand that held the vibrator. "Here. Like this."

Cupping his balls out of the way, Remus guided Sirius's hand to a spot just behind them, pressing the buzzing toy hard against himself. Sirius teased it around the area in small, experimental circles as Remus's hips rocked, pushing back against him.

"That's - yeah," Remus breathed. "Right there. _Please_ -"

Having Remus so utterly at his mercy, lost in his own pleasure and begging for release, made Sirius feel powerful, and powerfully excited. After weeks of fevered imagining, he was finally going to make Remus come. He pressed the button at the base of the vibrator, increasing the intensity of vibration to its maximum. Remus gave a startled cry.

"Oh _fuck_!" he groaned, sounding desperate and needy. "Suck me -"

Sirius obliged joyfully, taking as much of Remus's cock into his mouth as he could manage, giving it the hard, rhythmic suction Remus craved.

Remus made a guttural sobbing sound. His cock twitched and pulsed in Sirius's mouth, his body jerking helplessly. Sirius eased up on his movements, but kept going until a hand touched his cheek.

"You can stop now, Sirius," Remus said hoarsely. "I'm spent."

Sirius climbed back up the bed to snuggle close beside him, feeling euphoric, as Remus disposed of the condom.

"Was that all right?" Sirius asked.

Remus chuckled, still sounding breathless. "That was great. Can't remember the last time I came that hard." He pulled Sirius close for a very thorough kiss. "The prostate massage with the vibrator didn't hurt either," he added. "God, I thought I was going to turn inside out when you turned up the vibration."

Sirius laughed, feeling giddy. "Glad you liked it. I'm partial to it, myself."

"Mm, I noticed," said Remus, kissing him again. "Feeling OK about everything so far?"

"Better than OK," Sirius assured him, grinning.

Remus gave him a soft look, fingers lightly stroking Sirius's arm. "I'm really glad. After everything you've told me about your dating history, I've been hoping for a chance to show you that sex can be a good experience."

"I'd heard the theory before, but the practical demonstration is appreciated."

Remus chuckled. "I could ... demonstrate a bit more. Assuming you want to, that is."

"You don't want to rest for a bit?" asked Sirius, heart speeding up.

"If I rest now, I might fall asleep," said Remus with an easy smile. "Anyway, I'm a firm believer in treating people who give good head like gold, and giving when I receive."

"Oh."

Remus cocked his head. "Unless you're not comfortable with it?"

Sirius shrugged self-consciously. "I just thought it might be weird for you."

"Granted, I'm not an expert in your configuration, but I'm keen to learn," said Remus, kissing him on the nose. "My only concerns about your parts have to do with making sure you enjoy whatever kinds of sex we have as much as possible. If you give great head, you deserve to get great head."

A reluctant smile tugged at the corner of Sirius's mouth, though the butterflies continued to swarm in his stomach. "Can't argue with that, I guess."

Remus ran a hand down Sirius's side, trailing goosebumps in its wake. "Have you ever had it before?"

"Head? Yeah," said Sirius. "Good head? No."

The only person who had ever gone down on him was a girl Sirius had dated for a few months in high school. She had never accepted his gender identity, and Sirius had never felt fully able to relax in her company. Her few attempts at oral sex had been inexpert, impatient, and ultimately ineffectual.

"That's a shame." Remus pressed a kiss to the curve of Sirius's collarbone. "More lost time to make up for. If you'll let me?"

Sirius swallowed. "OK."

"I'll need another condom and some scissors to make a dental dam," said Remus.

Sirius quickly found the necessary items, trying not to overthink what they were about to do. When he visited the bathroom to hunt for the scissors, he paused to find his anti-anxiety meds as well. The last thing he wanted was for a panic attack to sweep him up and ruin the night.

"Still OK?" Remus asked when he returned, seeing the look on his face.

Sirius swallowed. "Yeah. Just nervous. Again."

"You're in control," Remus reminded him. "We can stop anytime. But if you give me a chance, I'll see what I can do about getting you nice and relaxed." He gave Sirius a sultry smile.

Wiping the blades of the scissors with a wet wipe from a package Sirius kept beside the bed, Remus tore open the condom wrapper. He unrolled the condom, handling the slippery film carefully, and snipped the tip and base off before cutting open the tube to make a flat square of latex.

"I know it makes things a little more awkward and complicated," said Remus apologetically, "but I'd rather not have sex at all than be unsafe about it. You're too important to me to take risks with your health."

Sirius bit back a smile, and a few of the butterflies in his stomach melted. It was silly to feel anxious when he was with someone who cared as much as Remus did about his wellbeing and happiness.

Remus kissed him again, hand resting on Sirius's thigh. "Just tell me if you want me to do anything different, or stop completely."

"I will."

Sirius lay back against the pillows, heart in his throat, closing his eyes as he opened his legs for Remus to lie between them. He had never felt so completely exposed.

Rubbing a rough cheek against the sensitive skin of Sirius's inner thigh, Remus murmured, "Show me how to touch you?"

Biting his lip, Sirius slid a hand between his legs, spreading himself open and running his fingers over his clit, stroking and tugging in demonstration.

Remus's fingers brushed Sirius's skin, making him shiver. The tip of Remus's thumb stroked the crease of his groin.

"OK if I touch you now?" Remus asked softly.

"Sure."

Remus's fingers kept contact with Sirius's skin so as not to startle him with a sudden touch in an unexpected place. His thumb brushed Sirius's fingers. Sirius held his breath, body tensing. The first light touch made Sirius gasp. Careful fingers stroked the length of his clit, then gave the head a gentle tug.

"It looks kind of like a little cock," Remus observed.

Sirius bit his lip. "It kind of is. That's what testosterone does."

"I like it," said Remus. "It looks like it would be fun to suck. Fun for you, too, I hope."

Sirius's hand clenched in the sheets. "You're ... um ... welcome to try it."

"You want me to suck your cock?" Remus asked, voice low and husky.

A shiver of excitement ran through Sirius's belly. "Yeah."

Keeping his movements unhurried, Remus continued his explorations, experimenting with different touches. Sirius's eyes remained closed, hand clutching Remus's wrist, ready to push him away if anything felt wrong. But nothing did.

He tensed again when Remus laid the homemade dental dam over him, holding it in place without stretching it, to cover the entire exposed area. As Remus bent his head, Sirius could feel the heat of his breath through the thin film of latex.

And then Remus's mouth was on him, tongue teasing lightly, lips caressing. Sirius drew in a sharp breath as Remus kissed him as slowly and tenderly as he had ever kissed his mouth. Under that sensual devotion, Sirius felt himself gradually begin to relax.

"Is this all right?" murmured Remus.

"Mm, yeah," sighed Sirius, moving his thighs farther apart, angling his hips to give Remus better access.

A huff of laughter tickled Sirius's exposed flesh, making him shiver. Remus's tongue teased the head again, and then he pressed his lips to it, sucking gently.

" _Mmm, ohhhh -_ " Sirius moaned, rolling his hips. He tugged at Remus's wrist.

Remus immediately broke contact, drawing back. Sirius made a small, pathetic sound of loss.

"Do you need something different?" Remus asked. "Or do you want me to stop?"

"No!" gasped Sirius. "Don't stop!"

Remus chuckled and lowered his head once more, lips closing around Sirius to administer another gentle suck.

" _More_ ," Sirius begged shamelessly, squirming at the intensity of the sensation. " _Please_ -"

Adjusting his grip on the latex shield, Remus got down to the business of orally pleasuring Sirius with single-minded zeal, alternating strong suction with teasing flicks and long strokes of his tongue.

As tension mounted inside him, language deserted Sirius, until all he could do was pant and moan, a hand buried in Remus's hair. He was desperate and slippery-wet with need. His hips rose off the bed, wordlessly offering himself to Remus's hungry mouth. Remus matched his urgency, sucking quick and hard with the rhythm and intensity that Sirius demanded.

Sirius's muscles clenched and pleasure exploded at the tip of Remus's tongue. A wild cry burst from Sirius's lips as his entire body convulsed. Remus held him steady as orgasm shook him. He eased off for a moment, blowing gently on the sensitive flesh, then slowly began to tease Sirius with his tongue once more, licking and suckling him, until a second shuddering climax broke over him, more intense than the first.

Sirius lost all track of the sensations of his body and the sounds he was making in the overwhelming flood of pleasure. He was not sure whether he came five times, six times, or more, before he finally pushed Remus away.

"No more. You're going to kill me," he gasped, voice ragged.

"We can't have that," chuckled Remus, wiping his mouth on the bedsheet and disposing of the used dental dam.

He pulled Sirius into his arms, kissing him long and deep. Sirius melted bonelessly against him, awash with post-orgasmic bliss.

"You're pretty good at that for a gay guy," Sirius mumbled. "God, I didn't think I was ever going to stop coming."

"Thanks. I take pride in my work."

Sirius opened his eyes. "I hope this doesn't feel like work to you."

"Of course not," Remus assured him quickly. "I didn't mean it like that. I enjoyed every minute of it."

Sirius's eyes slid closed again. "Good. So did I."

"I noticed," chuckled Remus. "Thank you."

"Shouldn't I be the one thanking you?"

Remus kissed him tenderly on the forehead. "If you like. But I meant, thank you for trusting me. I know it's not easy."

"I do trust you," said Sirius, sighing contentedly

"I'm glad," Remus said softly. "I'll try my best to be worthy of it."

"You don't have to try."

Sirius nuzzled closer to Remus. He felt sticky and euphoric, and still very turned on. Remus smelled good. Sirius ran a lazy finger down his chest, through the dark hair that grew there, tracing the line of hair that continued below Remus's navel, down to his groin. His hand curled around Remus's cock. It twitched and began to stiffen again in his grasp. Sirius ran his thumb over the head and turned his body toward Remus to give him another long, open-mouthed kiss, rubbing his groin against Remus's thigh.

"Already?" murmured Remus, amused. "Just a minute ago, you said I was killing you."

"Changed my mind," said Sirius, lips teasing Remus's throat. "Now I'm pretty sure I'll die if you _don't_ touch me some more."

He squirmed closer, so that Remus's erection rubbed against his hip.

"We should be careful about which parts are doing the touching," said Remus, already sounding a little breathless. "If _those_ parts are getting anywhere near each other, we should definitely use protection."

"Um," said Sirius hesitantly. "I'm not sure I'm ready to try ... penetration just yet."

Remus gave his ass a tender squeeze. "That's fine. We don't ever have to do that, if you don't want to."

"I didn't say 'never'," said Sirius hastily, blushing. "Just ... not tonight."

"Got it." Remus kissed him on the nose. "But we should still use protection if there's any chance of an exchange of fluids."

Sirius retrieved another condom, which Remus quickly tore open and rolled on, before embracing Sirius once more.

"You want to try frotting?" he asked, dragging his lips along the edge of Sirius's jaw.

"H-how does that work?" Sirius asked breathlessly.

"It's just getting off by rubbing up on each other," Remus explained. "Fun and easy."

Sirius licked his lips. "OK. Sure."

"Come here." Remus's hand cupped his ass again, urging him closer. "Wrap your leg around me."

Sirius wound his leg over Remus's hip, as Remus adjusted his own position, and -

" _Oh_ ," gasped Sirius, clutching Remus's shoulder as the head of Remus's cock nudged his swollen clit.

"Is this OK?" asked Remus, searching his face. "Not too much?"

"It's - um -" He rocked his hips, seeking more contact, and moaned softly when he found it.

"That's it," sighed Remus, mirroring his movements so that his erection slid along Sirius's slippery groove. "Just - do whatever feels good."

" _Ungh_ ," mumbled Sirius, eyes fluttering closed as he clung to Remus, angling his hips, seeking more of the lovely feel of Remus's cock moving between his legs.

Fingers brushed Sirius's cheek, and he opened his eyes to find Remus watching him.

"You feel so good, Sirius," he said breathlessly. "I want to come with you this time. Do whatever you need to do. Use me however you want."

Sirius pressed his forehead to Remus's. "Don't wanna use you," he slurred. "Never. Wanna be with you. Feel you. Make you come ..."

He thrust his hips against Remus, dragging himself up and down the length of Remus's cock, hungry for the hot, slippery friction between them.

Remus groaned, rolling onto his back and pulling Sirius over on top of him. Breathing raggedly, Sirius ground down against him, one knee bent next to Remus's hip, the other between Remus's legs. Remus rolled his hips, one hand tangled in Sirius's hair, the other clinging to his ass.

"God, Sirius -" he panted, wild-eyed with lust.

Sirius thrust a hand between them, taking hold of Remus's cock, slippery in its latex sheath. Guiding its movements, he teased himself with it, as he would his vibrator, rubbing the blunt head against his clit, and then downward, to circle tantalizingly around his entrance below.

"Do you - want me to fuck you?" gasped Remus.

"Not tonight," murmured Sirius, bending his head so that his lips brushed Remus's ear. "You want to, though, don't you?"

"God, _yes_ ," moaned Remus, hips making small, needy movements.

"So do I," Sirius admitted in a whisper.

Before tonight, he had dreaded the prospect. The one time he had tried it, with James at age fifteen, had been terrifying and dry and painful. But now, with Remus, he was the furthest thing from terrified, and the furthest thing from dry. He knew he was safe, that Remus knew what he was doing, and would do nothing to hurt him. He could try anything with this wonderful man without fear.

Sliding Remus's cock flush against him once more, head to sensitive head, Sirius rode him, grinding and rocking their hips together. Something brushed against the hand steadying himself on the bed. His vibrator. Sirius plucked it up, flicked it on to a medium speed, and pressed it between them.

" _Oh!_ " gasped Remus, hips snapping up.

"I'm gonna come," Sirius panted, leaning his forehead against Remus's. "Oh, _fuck_ , Remus -"

Remus clung to him, urging their bodies together. "Yes - yes - _now!_ Come with me now -"

Sirius needed no persuasion. He shuddered a bucked as another intense climax gripped him, moaning as he felt the pulse of Remus's orgasm between his legs.

Tossing aside the vibrator when the sensation became too much, Sirius lay limp on top of Remus, panting as the sweat dried on their cooling skins.

"Hey," said Remus hoarsely after a moment, touching Sirius's shoulder lightly. "Everything OK?"

"Everything's perfect," mumbled Sirius, voice muffled in Remus's neck. "Wow."

He felt more than heard Remus's answering chuckle. "C'mon. I gotta take this thing off before it makes a mess."

Sirius lay on his back, feeling mildly stunned, while Remus disposed of the condom and went to the bathroom to take his meds. He had imagined being with Remus many different ways, but none of his imaginings lived up to the reality of the experience. He felt incredibly, ridiculously lucky.

When Remus returned, sliding back into bed and wrapping his arms around him, Sirius turned toward him, burying his face in his shoulder.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"It was my pleasure," joked Remus.

"I mean it," said Sirius. "Tonight - it's silly, but ... it kind of felt like my first time. Like everything before now was just a failed attempt, and I didn't even know how wrong I was getting it until I got it right."

"Oh. Well, I'm glad I did right by you." He kissed Sirius's brow, sounding both pleased and embarrassed.

"You're amazing," Sirius sighed dreamily. "How did I get so lucky?"

Remus chuckled. "Sounds like sex has muddled your brain. _I'm_ the lucky one, and _you're_ the amazing one."

"Nah," said Sirius, raising his head so he could see Remus's face. He brushed a thumb over his cheek, feeling drunk on tenderness. "Pretty sure I'm in love with you."

Remus's mouth gaped in surprise. He took Sirius's hand and moved it away from his face. "You don't want to go and do a thing like that."

"Don't try to tell me what I do or don't want to do," Sirius said grumpily, lacing his fingers through Remus's and bringing them to his lips. "I'll love you if I want to. You'll just have to learn to live with it."

"If you say so," said Remus, not meeting his eyes.

"Hey," said Sirius tugging at his hand. "I don't say things like that lightly, you know. I've never told anyone I loved them before now whose last name wasn't Potter. You don't have to say it back; I just wanted you to know."

"Well then, I'm sensible of the honor," said Remus awkwardly. "Look. Um. Tonight was really something special, but I don't want you getting your hopes up that sex is on the menu every time I sleep over. It's not that I don't want to, I just only have so much energy, you know?"

Sirius nodded. "I get that. I know you're tired most nights. I'm glad we had tonight, at least."

"Me too. And there will be other nights. I promise."

"We could ... make a date," Sirius suggested hopefully. "Maybe once a month? Just a day for us to spend in bed together, sleeping in and doing ... whatever comes natural?"

Remus smiled. "That sounds nice." He reached for his phone. "I'll add it to my calendar. Tuesdays are good for you, right?"

"Tuesdays are perfect," sighed Sirius, snuggling close to Remus's side. "Every night I get to have you with me is perfect."

Remus set aside his phone and gathering Sirius into his arms once more. "This is my favorite part, you know," he said sleepily. "Just being here, falling asleep and feeling close to you."

"I like it too."

"Hey, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for not dumping me for forgetting Valentine's Day."

Sirius grinned. "I feel like it worked out pretty well for me, in the end."

"Me too," mumbled Remus sleepily, kissing his bare shoulder. "I'll try not to forget next year."

Sirius drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face, his love in his arms, and the hope of "next year" in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> [Sexual health guide for queer trans men](https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/sites/optionsforsexualhealth.org/files/primed.pdf)
> 
> [All about dental dams](https://www.cdc.gov/condomeffectiveness/Dental-dam-use.html)
> 
> [PrEP and HIV](https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/prep/index.html)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Sorry this is many days late for the relevant holiday.


End file.
